Ever wonder why your child may say, “I’m sad. He hurt my feelings.” Beyond the words, there’s a logical reason. Young children are known to act impulsively when they are sad or angry – some are very verbal in their approach and want to make sure we know how they are feeling. Sometimes they’ll viciously test to see just how we will react. Still other times, they want to show just how “right” they are. When teaching about feelings to young children, there are plenty of things you can do to foster your child’s self-esteem and coping skills.

When a child feels sad or upset, the best way for you to respond is to capitalize on the moment without acting on the impulse to "fix" a situation. When this is done consistently, we can rob our children of solving their own difficult situations, which fosters self-doubt.

According to Kelly Gable-LaBelle , director of Early Childhood Services at the Jewish Community Center, a good way to foster self-esteem and help the child cope with his/her own sadness or anger is to expand on a teachable moment, which according to LaBelle, "is an unplanned event that caregivers and providers can use as a learning opportunity" [Preschool Press, monthly newsletter, March 2009].

Identify a Teachable Moment

Many times, you can use teachable moments or unplanned events as a learning opportunity to help foster self-esteem and build a more positive relationship with the child. When you identify a teachable moment, they can take meaningful steps to teach or expand on something they want the child to learn about.

LaBelle writes, "adults [can] identify teachable moments by observing and listening to their children, and by responding in an open-ended way. When we follow the child's lead and respond thoughtfully, we are helping to foster coping and language skills." [Preschool Press, monthly newsletter, March 2009]

Use the Echo Technique

When a child expresses anger or sadness, focus on the child's feelings rather than focusing on their own feelings and opinions. To expand on something you may want your children to learn about, use the echo technique as a way to "echo" their feelings. For example, you can say something to the extent: "You sound sad" when your child says, “I’m sad.”

Use Teachable Moments to Find Solutions

When you know how your child is feeling, you can then use teachable moments to open conversations and find out what your child is thinking about. These conversations are invaluable in the development of language and coping skills. Dr. Jane Nelsen, author of the bestseller Positive Discipline A-Z says the key is to “encourage children to develop a sense of their own capability while teaching them to focus on solutions and to be respectful and helpful to each other. By focusing on solutions to problems that are relevant to them, they learn “inner locus of control” instead of relying on “external locus of control”– someone to “catch” them being “bad” and mete out punishment, or to “catch” them being good to mete out rewards.”

Use Teachable Moments to Develop Empathy

Often, you can use teachable moments to capitalize on an emotional moment by expanding on empathy. For example, you can ask open-ending questions rather than providing closed statements such as "This makes him feel sad." A good way to build empathy is by asking the child: "How do you think that makes [name of person(s)] feel?"

Adults can use teachable moments as a way to help a child cope better with the anger or sadness they are feeling without telling the child how and what to feel. In developing self-esteem, children need to be taught that they can cope on their own without depending on an adult for emotional support.